An Essay/Collage By Gabe Cohn
I. A friend of mine once opened a conversation by saying that he had licked Shakespeare’s grave. He’d been licking notable graves for years: Samuel Adams, Ulysses S. Grant, Rita Hayworth, Marilyn Monroe, Miles Davis, Emily Dickinson…he’d licked them all. Somehow he’d gotten past the velvet rope in front of the Bard’s final resting place and, unnoticed by the guard there, touched his tongue to the white granite. What an honor, four hundred years after death, that a living soul would bow down and run his tongue along your tomb. Most corpses can only dream of such intimacy.
II. I read an article in the Times the other day saying that some scientists sent radio waves into Shakespeare’s grave and discovered that his skull is missing. The skull was stolen by 18th-century phrenologists—medical grave robbers who studied the size and shape of human heads in relation to intelligence. The men thought of the playwright as the epitome of intellect, digging up his two-hundred-year-old bones for some greater knowledge, long after his brains had rotted away.
III. The inscription on the Bard’s grave: Blessed be he that spares these stones and curst be he that moves my bones.
IV. It was around the time that the tour guide informed me, eyes bulging from his skull, that we were standing in the room where Shakespeare had been born that I decided that the “Shakespeare Birthplace” was absurd. Here was a man whose job it was to stand in the musty upstairs of a ramshackle Elizabethan home in Straford-upon-Avon and tell dazed tourists that they were standing in the room where, over four hundred and fifty years earlier, Mary Arden had expelled a slimy Shakespeare from between her legs. Or, more accurately, it probably was. “Probably” and “likely” were two terms that came up over and over again during the semester I spent studying Shakespeare in England. Shakespeare was likely bisexual. Shakespeare probably didn’t write all of “Pericles.” These glimpses of truth were maddening. It made it seem as though the Bard were more idea than human.
V. The Shakespeare Birthplace Trust offers a range of truly unique venues and exceptional experiences in the heart of Stratford-upon-Avon. Captivate your clients with an exclusive Champagne Tour of Shakespeare’s Birthplace, where costumed actors perform excerpts from his works; Charm your guests at a private function in the grounds of the beautifully picturesque Anne Hathaway’s Cottage or inspire your employees with your conference set within the backdrop of Shakespeare’s Birthplace.
Photo by G.C.
VI. The run took us next to the Holy Trinity Church, where Shakespeare is buried. Its doors weren’t unlocked yet, but we ran a few laps around the church, dodging between headstones. I’d forgotten to bring running shorts on the trip, so was jogging in tight jeans. When we finished the laps around the church and continued on our run, I heard her chuckle from behind me. I looked ridiculous, running through this quaint English village with my jeans on, like I’d all of a sudden, in the middle of my morning, decided that I needed to drop what I was doing and immediately take a run. “You look like you’re running from something!” she laughed, as Shakespeare’s bones fell further and further behind us.
VII. Stratford Upon Avon Brewery
Immortal – 5.0% – Our new special beer to commemorate the 400th Anniversary of the death of William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare’s Hometown IPA.
Taste Notes – A deep amber beer, fresh with subtle hints of grapefruit and tropical fruits.
VIII. We commemorate his death because we do not know when he was born. In need of a date, we ignore the irony in our own celebrations. Or, perhaps, it is appropriate that we celebrate his death—just look at the man’s legacy. No living person could dream of amassing such reverence. Maybe dying was the best thing that ever happened to William Shakespeare. From the way he’s often talked about, I wonder if, three days after his death, there wasn’t a small crowd gathered outside of his closed tomb, waiting with bated breath for a stir.
IX. The Flower Portrait was once considered to be an original portrait of Shakespeare. We now think that it is based upon an engraving by Martin Droeshout, which appeared as the frontispiece in the 1629 First Folio of Shakespeare’s plays. Analysis of the paint suggests that it was painted in the nineteenth century over an earlier fifteenth century painting of a Madonna and Child.
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Gabe Cohn ’16 is a Skidmore alum and journalist whose recent work can be found in American Theatre magazine, Culturebot, and One Week//One Band. He is the founding editor of STLN.